a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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