You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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