if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
