In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
