Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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