The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
