I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
