Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
