found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
