I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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