the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
please don't ironically join a cult
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