she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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