u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
