I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
