i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
