I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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