I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Drunk is a universal language darling
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
