What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
