i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
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He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
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It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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