Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Randomize
