T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
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You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
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So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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