I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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