Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
