Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You are the jesus of drinking
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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