Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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