you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
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