the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
