where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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