I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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