Soap is not a condiment
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
