And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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