i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
