"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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