I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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