I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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