I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
