i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Randomize
