Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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