Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
