I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
