Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
