Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.