remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I wish you could order shots online.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..