When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
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Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?