how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10