hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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