I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
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There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
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Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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