I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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