Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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