My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
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Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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