I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You pole danced in your parka.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
