Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
