Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
