A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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