I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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