I think i peed on brittanys purse
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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