i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs