I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
