I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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