my soul wont recognize me after tonight
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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