wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.