Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
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Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
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I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?