Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
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I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
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It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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