If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
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She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
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We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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