theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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