when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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